Where are you?

It's been over a year since I put my words and heart on this page.

It hasn't been because I haven't wanted to.

The emotion, the excruciating pain--this journey of mine, as of late, has been beyond what I could possibly express.

Today--it will be raw. Uncut. Vulnerable.

Me.

Walk away now if you want a perfectly packaged post. 

Walk away if you want poignant words and breathtaking prose.

Walk away if you want answers to your heart's questions.

Stay if you want to feel not so alone in your struggle. 

Stay if you want to know that there are others who don't have it all together and don't have the answers even if they tried.

Stay if you know broken. If you know pain. If you wonder where God is.

What has happened in the past year?

In August, the pastor of the cult I came out of, the man who who was inappropriate with me in marriage counseling, the man who preached that God's love was conditional, was caught abusing a 16 year old year girl and transporting her over state lines. He will be sentenced to a minimum of 10 years in a federal penitentiary.

I shared my story publicly HERE.

(I am Julie Busby)

Then my 15 year crumbling marriage that has been struggling since the beginning, fell apart.

 I filed for divorce in December- it will be final in September 2013.

Throughout these two major changes my faith has been shaken to the very core.
A crisis of faith.

And this is where I will begin...

This past Wednesday, I made a date with God. I told Him that I needed Him to show up in a powerful, real and very tangible way.

I told him what a hypocrite I am. 

What a disobedient sinner, a messed up, broken prodigal I am.

 I told Him how I have nothing. Nothing. 

Not one speck of anything to offer. I'm in the dirt, in the mud and in the filth of the world- in a pit and I have no idea how to get out.

I told Him how my heart is broken beyond repair and I am desperate for Him--

Jesus. Please help.

Nothing.

I heard nothing. Like talking to the wind. My heart aching. The loneliness beyond what I could handle. I could barely breathe.

While walking I reminded God of my desire--my greatest heart's desire.

Not money, fame, status, not any of it. Since the beginning of Julie its only been one thing..

Love.

A love that sees a heart, broken and battered and imperfect--lifts it up out of the mud, carefully, delicately and says--there is something beautiful there. I am willing to invest in that heart, cherish that heart, carefully protect and nurture that heart. 

Love that heart.

Not just... love that body, love that mind, love that humor but love that heart.

Know that heart.

See that heart.

Want that heart.

And  reciprocate it in a passionate and tender way.

I heard the many sermons and read the many Bible verses--"only God can be your all in all."

"He is the lover of your soul."

"He knows and wants to fill the void that is God shaped."

"You are His beloved."

I know.

I KNOW.

But in the knowing- He is silent.

In the knowing- I do not feel His touch and I crave to be held in strong arms.

In the knowing- I am weak and reach out to those things that only destroy my soul in hopes that it will soothe the desperate loneliness and pain.

And so here I sit--in the middle of the hardest part of the journey.

And I say--where are you God?

Where are you?

I need you.

Listen to Journey to Beloved- Live.

The broken road sometimes leads to open doors...

Opportunities to share your story, your voice and to showcase His amazing grace. 

When the Lord opened up an opportunity for me to speak and share, I wanted to run and hide, I believed the lie that said, God forgot me and left me in the wilderness to wander alone. 

Truth makes us free and the Truth was, God's relentless love would not stop pursuing me. 

(Nor does He stop pursuing YOU.)

Please don't ever let anyone make you believe that they have the power to know 

the will of God for you or your life or 

that they have the power to give you influence or take away your influence in the body of Christ. 

Only God has the power to lift up, or to diminish a person's influence- 

only God and God alone.

Not a church, not a denomination, and not a pastor.

I spent many a year trapped in fear and dismissing God's loving voice of direction because I believed that God could not use me or my family outside of one man's opinion of His will for me and my family's life.

God has a purpose and plan for your life beyond what you can hope and dream.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

What is the reason I've not kept up with the blog as much as I would like? 

God opened up a different avenue for me to share God's great love and grace.

I have no background in radio, I did not pursue a job in broadcasting and yet- 

God and God alone... 

Beginning on Monday, April 30th I will be sharing a live half hour broadcast of worship music and words of encouragement 

-live-

on the radio.

Listen to my 30 Second Promo

You can listen live at 11:30AM CST 5 days a week by going to 

www.KJLY.com 

or listen via iPhone or Android by going to the "Tune In" Radio app and look for KJLY

I hope we can connect- you are a joy and encouragement to me!

Beloved- Has there been a time when you believed that God had forgotten you or that you were trapped into God only using you in the capacity of a certain church, denomination or position? I'd love to hear your journey in this area.

The Fragrance of Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal that has crushed it."  

  --  Mark Twain 

No other gift has such a high price tag. To offer it freely you have to pay the price of being hurt, cheated, treated unjustly, rejected, taken advantage of, abused, destroyed or maligned. Forgiveness is priceless. With trembling hands I realize there are a thousand ways to bleed and to experience the pain of a broken heart- to ask the hurt to offer forgiveness seems an offense of epic proportions. 

And yet- 

to be set free completely from the chains of our abuser, we must stare the demon within our own hearts that bubbles up within us- that place of searing heat that seeks to inflame our insides and offer up to Christ a chance to douse the flames of bitterness within the cooling waters of His peace. 

To see the Truth and confront the voices that hiss condemnation, fear, desperation and death. 

Be reminded of who you are Beloved. 

Forgiveness is not an act of weakness but a show of strength- a place to look at the pain caused to you and speak the Truth of Christ into it.  Where you can stand tall and know who you are and claim His love over you.

When I was 13 years old, three teenage girls would bully me, taunt me and strike fear into my heart as I walked home from school. I hated them, I hated how they made me feel- worthless, fearful, weak and ugly. I would run home and plot my revenge. They haunted my dreams at night and consumed my days as I tried to figure out how to flee from their presence. One day my older male cousins found out I was being bullied and drove down to confront my attackers. My cousins were imposing and they told those bully girls who I was- I was their cousin and they would not stand for anyone attacking me. Those girls never bothered me again. When my cousins stood next to them they suddenly looked small and frightened. I saw them for who they truly were- with little power to truly destroy me. It was at the moment I saw who I was and who they were that I was able to forgive. Jesus hanging on the cross and about to die prayed, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do."  It sounds as if Jesus was not grasping their evil yet Jesus knew there was a bigger story- Jesus's accusers meant it for evil but God used it for good. Those who tried to destroy our Savior, God used to ignite the plan of redemption He laid out for us from before the foundation of the world. Our God is sovereign! He overcame death and rose again so that we might have life.

Out of the ashes comes beauty. 

Beloved ones- one day your abuser or attacker will stand and answer for the pain they caused God's most cherished child. The Truth is your Protector sees the injustice and weeps over your pain. Forgiveness comes when you see yourself as God sees you- Beautiful, strong, empowered, whole, priceless in His eyes. Those who would, with their actions, speak to you anything contrary to this is lying to you. Can you see how small they are compared to WHO stands next to you? Can you see the picture of beauty that God is making from the ashes of your pain? 

Forgiveness does not mean placing yourself in harms way- it is standing strong in the Truth of who you are in Christ. When you forgive, you release yourself from the power that those who have hurt you have over you. It is a beautiful thing when the violet that is crushed releases the very essence of who it is- fragrant and beloved.

How hard it is to write to beautiful you. I know your pain, the hurt you've experienced and I grieve for and with you. I am not advocating placing yourself in harms way at all- I am asking you to give your hurt to Christ so He can show you His Truth. Will you share with us all here your journey to offering forgiveness a midst all the devastation and pain?

Everything sad is coming untrue

All will be healed and all might-have-beens will be.

In the story "The Lord of the Rings" Samwise believing that Gandalf is dead exclaimed, 

“Gandalf! I thought you were dead! But then I thought I was dead myself. Is everything sad going to come untrue? What’s happened to the world?”

Two thousand years ago the sinless Son of God was nailed to a cross and put in a tomb and all hope seemed lost- but then the impossible happened, three days later Jesus arose. 


It seems as if before the dawn comes the most profound and utter darkness. Before the spring there is the death march of winter, before life there is death.
When our prayers seem to hit the ceiling and all hope seems lost, it is at that moment that our miraculous Savior defeats the grave and causes life to bloom from death.

And there you stand, eyes raised , heart broken, hopes dashed- you see no light in your darkness, no spring on the horizon of your frigid, lifeless winter- no life from this death in your soul. 

But everything sad is coming untrue.

Sometimes God allows some things to die so He can bring forth the miracle of life. What you don't see is His infinitely good and loving Hand working something profoundly beautiful in your life. Yes, He is making beauty from the ashes. With His gentle breath He breathes life and hope into broken souls and 

heals all wounds.

Have faith sweet child- do not lose hope- 

 His light is piercing into the hopeless darkness. 

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.And he who was seated on the throne said, Behold, I am making all things new.

Beloved one- What season are you in, in your journey with Christ?

It's time to fly...

 A life of bondage can play strange tricks on the mind and heart, just ask an elephant who knows.

 Recently while visiting the zoo with my family I was curious to why an elephant tied to a small stake in the ground did not yank it up and be on its way. The animal's handler explained that baby elephants tied to similar stakes learn they can't break free. As elephants grow older and stronger, they don't test the stake again--thereby remaining trapped by what should be an obsolete restraint.

There are many of us who have escaped in some dramatic ways the bondage of legalism, abuse and addiction yet still stay trapped and chained to our captors when God has set us marvelously free.

Jesus has given us wings to fly- our wings names?

 Mercy and Grace.

These beautiful gifts are meant to make us fly but to begin the process of flight we must recognize that the chains that once held us, no longer have any power over us. 

What Jesus has made free is free indeed. 

It's time to test the restraints- walk out onto the water- dare to claim by faith the victory that is yours and purchased by Christ. 

Your freedom was purchased on Calvary- the fear that tyrants and devils instill in you are not true- God has promised us a sound mind, He casts out fear. 

Those voices that tell you there is no hope, lie. They lie!

Beloved one- It's time to fly. 

The wings of grace and mercy will take you above all fear, all condemnation and all judgement. 

Claim Truth. 

-Walk in Love- 

Fly in Grace and Mercy

Soar in the freedom of Christ

Beloved one- it seems we have so much in common. It seems as if just when we begin the journey to freedom we realize how much this journey has truly just begun. There are so many lies to shed, so much Truth to learn. Where are you on your journey? 

I'd love to hear your voice.

He Loves Me Anyway

 "There are no words to to express the abyss between isolation and having one ally. It may be conceded to the mathematician that four is twice two. But two is not twice one; two is two thousand times one." -G.K. Chesterton

I began to spiral and my heart felt like knives had been ripped through it. The tears would not stop flowing and sleep brought no respite.
Yet again the words of a friend tore into me.
 A friend who knew my heart and whom I trusted past my guarded walls of safety into the sacred places where only few see. I suppose if it had  happened only once, twice, even three times, I could have cast it aside and not allowed it to hurt me so deeply but this was not the first friend who walked away from my friendship, whose words cast judgement on my person hood. As judgement was cast and labels applied I looked into the mirror and tried to affirm myself. "Julie, you are not those words, you are not that label." Somehow the words seemed hollow and insincere- like I was trying to convince a thief that they had not stolen. The weight on my shoulders to prove to those who hated me, to those who turned their back on me that I was good enough and not worthy of such judgement was so heavy I could barely breathe.
God shook me from my fitful sleep and whispered such a profound Truth into my ear that I was shaken from the very foundation of my being.

"Julie, you are those things your friends have accused you of, you don't need to carry the burden of trying to prove you are innocent because you are not. Beloved, I know you are a broken vessel, sinful, imperfect. I know that you fall and that you fail loved ones, friends and those who look up to you. I know and I love you anyway. I've taken the burden of your sin and guilt and bore it on the cross. I have stood in your place and have been your strength. You are complete, perfect and enough in ME." 

Friends, the truth is I fail, I fall, I am not perfect and I hurt people. It grieves me. I beg of you to forgive me if I have hurt you.  I wish I could eliminate and  eradicate sin and pain. I wish I could offer those I love the perfect friend, wife and mother,
 but I can't.
I do know this- when we walk in the Spirit and rest in His unfailing love we can find strength and hope to get up after we fall and keep serving Christ. Yesterday I wanted to put up a mile high wall and never trust or love another friend. I wanted to isolate and live in darkness and defeat. This morning Jesus reminded me that there is no one perfect, not a one of us but Him and yet- He loves us anyway.


 Man will fail us but Jesus's love  never fails. We must keep our eyes up not out.

When I know that Jesus loves me when I mess up, fail and hurt him it gives me the courage to love others even when they fail and hurt me too. It gives me the courage to face the Truth that we are all broken pots loved by a perfect God.
  No longer will I strive to prove to those who hurt or rejected me that I am not what they say, that I am innocent and good- I am not- I am guilty as charged, I am imperfect- The Truth is- Jesus is my Righteousness, my Defense, my Redemption. He knows I am dust and He loves me anyway. I can look at those who I have allowed close to my heart and realize that they will fail or hurt me but I can love them anyway. There are no perfect marriages, no perfect friendships, no perfect parents- just broken people with a perfect God. Isn't that what enduring friendships and marriages are? Loving each other when we fail or fall? Standing in front of each other as two imperfect people and saying to each other- no matter what- even if you let me down, despite the warts and imperfections- I love you anyway and always will.

Unconditional love, amazing grace, awe inspiring mercy. 

He loves us anyway.

Will you love others who hurt you or disagree with you anyway?

Journey to Beloved posts may not be reposted, reprinted or distributed in its entirety without express written permission of the author. Links to the article can be freely shared and are very appreciated!

Streams in the desert

The beginning of a new thing.

Breaking out of bondage into a life of grace and hope.
It begins with promise-a promise to set at liberty those who are oppressed.
A burning bush moment when the Holy Spirit whispers in our ear- I am leading you to the heart of My heart- I want to reveal My unconditional love for you and make you free.
To get there sometimes there is enormous pain, evil pursuing those who would leave enslavement, Red Sea partings, wilderness wanderings and moments of fear that would whisper in our ears- it's easier if you just go back, back to the comfort of bondage instead of the discomfort of walking out into this unknown world you've never been before.

Dear beloved one- don't go back. He is making for you, streams in the desert. 

The path may seem dark, lonely, endless and frightening yet He has never left or forsaken you. His gentle Hand of love has been making beauty for ashes- all the ugly- He redeems. 

He makes all things new. Behold, I am doing a new thing: now it springs forth, do you perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:19

It has been almost 3 years since my journey began with a dramatic Red Sea parting and wilderness wandering. I wondered where and what my Father was doing. Thirsty for His presence, broken and  desperate I began to write. Acknowledging my sin, my wounds, my fears, my hopes. Meeting others who have walked the very paths I've been.

Those who have been enslaved by legalism.

Those who have been abused, shunned and wounded.

Those who have made horrific choices to feed the emptiness in their hearts with wrong choices.

Those who have felt utterly alone.

And we met here, grew together as a family of brothers and sisters and learned about the beautiful and amazing word- Grace.

Something happened only a few short months ago- something that brought hope beyond measure and altered the course of my life. Jesus took my wounds and make them into scars. Scars that still can be seen, scars that are covered by His grace, healed by His loving touch.

Jesus made streams in the desert for me. 

It didn't happen overnight. 

It didn't happen by pulling my boot straps up

 or following a checklist of do's and don'ts. 

It happened by immersing myself in the Truth and the knowledge of His unfathomable love for me, by walking ahead in hope when things seemed hopeless and tearing off the masks that held me hostage with the lie that I should "fake it until I made it". 

There is no special method but I do want to share something that is burning in my heart.

It takes time.

Beloved One- if God is doing a new thing in your life and leading you out of bondage, don't go back. You are not who you were- when God sends a Red Sea parting in your life you must cross over not remain in the middle of the sea with one foot ahead and your heart and mind looking back. Acknowledge the wounds, seek help and healing for the pain, face and work through the past lies and fill them with Truth but at some point there must be a time when you  put the old behind you and make the choice to walk in newness of mind and heart. You are a new creation, old things have passed away and all things are new. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Be reminded of the Truth that He is for you, He loves you and He will never forsake you.

There is hope and healing! If you are walking through the desert, walk ahead confidently knowing that  God has prepared a refreshing stream of hope just for you. 

(Note from Julie-To those who have lovingly emailed, twittered and sent notes of love and care over this past month or so, I thank you. I've had to take a break from any online presence because of the demands of my new job at a Christian Radio Station I work for. I look forward to sharing some exciting news of what God is doing in my life, when what is in the works is more official. I've missed many of you terribly and I am so grateful to call you friend. You are loved!)

Journey to Beloved posts may not be reposted, reprinted or distributed in its entirety without express written permission of the author. Links to the article can be freely shared and are very appreciated!

He was there all along.

Her name is Lilly.
 A six year old Great Dane who lost her eyes due to an incurable disease. With her sight gone Lilly was disheartened and lost hope- that is until she met Maddison another Great Dane. 

"The trust (The shelter where they are staying) said the pair had been inseparable for the last five years. Maddison leads Lily around when they are out, walking close to her and touching her to let the blind dog know where to go. They curl up together to go to sleep and they are very vocal with each other."

My heart cried out as I saw the picture of these two dogs. I thought, "Lilly, the blind dog is me." Somewhere along this journey I have come to see that I am blind, diseased and not able to walk this path without a Guide. What little I know I've seen through the veil of this world is but mere shadows. 

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12

I thought I knew what it meant to be a Christian. 

I thought I had the answers, the perfect methods, the words, the lists, the actions. I've come to see that walking this journey to discovering God's love is messy.
 There are no perfect answers or solutions to what life throws out at you. 
I thought when I walked away from my life as Stepford Wife and Perfect Plastic Fundamentalist that the path would be clear but it hasn't. 
My heart cries out for healing, to see with eyes of clarity, of hope- but honestly I've discovered that Christianity is not about the path I forge but the Guide that leads me. The Guide that was there all along, that never left my side. 
 He takes my darkened eyes that has been diseased by sin, by pride, by abuse, by lies and humanism- lies that consume my sight and He gently leads me.
By His side.
 Never forsakening me.
 Speaking, listening, comforting, binding every wound. 

I stopped writing as of late because I've had no words. What do I have to offer? Nothing of me. I can barely breathe these days and so I quietly disengage. Hide. Jesus has taken my words and quieted me with His love.
I am still and I know He is God. 
It is so easy to walk away from Him when your heart is broken. When pain sears hot and religion has left you scarred and burnt. To look at the disease that has taken your sight and become bitter and silently and secretly hope for a God that is good. That is kind. That is gentle. That loves you.
He does.
He will guide. He has been there all along. 
Religion isn't your guide Jesus is- look up- He adores you. 
 He wants good for you beloved- He is for you.

He Does Not Humiliate-He Gives You Dignity

I've pondered over this powerful word all weekend- Dignity. 
What is it?  
Dignity is walking confidently in the truth of your position of worth and nobility in Christ. 

I found an excellent example of  dignity recently when I heard Tim Goeglein gave his testimony of brokenness  A longtime aide to President Bush and an occasional guest columnist for his hometown newspaper, Tim resigned his esteemed position at the White House after admitting that he had repeatedly plagiarized his work.At the height of his shame and admission, Tim was summoned to meet with the President in what he thought would be a wood shed moment.

As he stepped into the Oval office he looked the President in the eye and said, " I owe you an apology..." before he could get the words out of his mouth, the President said, "Tim, I forgive you. Not only is what you did forgiven, it is forgotten."

As the story continues the President offers him a seat in one of the chairs resigned to the Vice President, Heads of State and distinguished guests. This aide who had admitted to plagiarism and who had owned his sin and mistake was leaving the White House with dignity. He was not shamed or humiliated but was offered  a seat of honor, forgiveness and hope.  I thought it was a powerful example of how Jesus treats us.

When we deserve it least, when we have shattered our lives and have what seems like nothing left, when we least expect it Jesus gathers us up, He forgives our sins, He blots them out of His memory never to be remembered again or used against us. He does not humiliate us when we come to Him, He gives us hope and dignity by reminding of us of our worth and nobility in Him.

Jesus offered dignity to the woman at the well. He offered dignity to the tax collector and to the thief at the cross. If dignity is what Jesus gives us, then the antithesis of dignity is shame or humiliation. Shame or humiliation is not the heart of our Savior. 

As I've studied this beautiful word called dignity this weekend God has placed three very powerful examples of the destruction that shame leaves and the beauty of building up that dignity leaves.

The first example is a painful moment I've been wrestling with for days now. A person I considered a "friend" had decided that she didn't agree with me or my journey and went out of her way to ask a mutual friend of ours to shun me and no longer have any connection with me . When I went to her to resolve this hurt and find out why she would do such a thing I heard words like, "You are bitter." "You are the worst person to be near my friend." As many more words tumbled out of her mouth, her words began to sink into my heart and I suddenly felt enormous shame for just being me. As I brought her words to Jesus I placed them at His feet and asked Him- "Jesus, am I those words?" "Who am I Jesus?" "Is what she is saying Truth?"
"My beloved, you are seated in high places, cherished, beautiful in My sight. I love you beyond measure and grieve at the lies that you would hold close to your heart. Hold my Truth close sweet one. When those who would try to define you with words of shame and condemnation come your way, throw down those toxic labels and wear the label I have given you- beloved. "

The second example is of a sweet girl who wrote to me about her infidelity. She recently confessed to an affair she had and was making steps to own her sin, face the consequences of her actions and turn repentant back to Jesus and seek His face and walk in His wisdom. She was fighting for her marriage and wanted restoration yet she was covered in shame and hopelessness. It seeped into every panicked word she spoke. She kept identifying herself as a woman who was worthless and unworthy of love. "How could he ever love someone like me?" she cried.
"Oh but precious child, don't you see? "Someone like you" is beloved of God! You are my delight! I run to you and with a heart of forgiveness remove that sin as far as the east is from the west. I come to bind your wounds and restore your life so that your story can be a sweet savor to those who do not believe. Have hope - who you are is valuable beyond measure- you are priceless to me!"

The third example was a wonderful young girl who I bumped into while out shopping. She ran to me and with joy stated, " I am having a baby!" I hugged her and congratulated her on this new precious life. She explained to me that she was unwed and that this wasn't planned but that she was going to keep this precious life and make something beautiful from a situation that was not ideal. She looked at me and said, " Julie I walked in shame for weeks when I found out I was pregnant but I've come to the place where I realize who I am and whom I belong to. God can restore and redeem any situation and I can hold my head high knowing that He can take my sin, my mistakes and take me ashes and make something beautiful." Tears gathered in both of our eyes. I looked at her and said, "Your child is not a mistake sweet girl and yes, hold your head high- you are a daughter of the King. I am so proud of you for taking responsibility for this life and for standing tall and with dignity. There is no shame."

But the Lord GOD helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame. Isaiah 50:7

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. 1 Peter 2:9

Dignity- a powerful word. Everyone in this world deserves dignity. As Christians we can not only hold our head high through the most painful of situations and walk in dignity because of who we are in Christ but we can also offer the world the same beautiful and priceless gift by showing the world their worth. No matter what your earthly position is, your heavenly position in Christ supersedes it.

Adulterer, drug addict, Pharisee, thief, liar, nobody, abused, forgotten, lost, hopeless, cheated on, poor, working a job where you receive no respect? You can hold your head high and walk in dignity because in Christ you have dignity-God's label supersedes the world's labels.
You are beloved.

Cardboard Testimony- Was Exhausted Now Learning to Rest.

I was raised in an “adjective-church.”

What’s that? Well, there might be one in your community. They are easily identified by the sheer number of adjectives used to describe their doctrinal position.  “Independent, Fundamental, Separated, Pre-millennial, Dispensational, Bible-believing Baptist Church.” Can you say it all in one breath? I couldn’t. And I couldn’t figure out how it all fit on one sign, either.

A huge part of living within an adjective –church-system is an endless assortment of rules. Working hard to please the rule-enforcers was required, because, by extension, you were pleasing an even more stringent authority: God Himself.

Some of these rules are written, like:

• Women may never wear pants. (Dt 22:5)
• Men must have short hair. (I Cor 11:14)
• Children must be well-behaved at all times. (I Tim 3:4)

Some of the rules are unwritten, and have more general verses attached.

• Men who speak from the pulpit may not have facial hair (I Thess. 5:22)
• Children must either attend an adjective-based Christian school or be homeschooled using an adjective-based curriculum. (I Thess. 5:22)

So, on a typical Sunday, I would follow all the rules, paste on a plastic smile and: 

• arrive 30 minutes early to prepare for class, armed with a wheeled luggage case filled with teaching materials;
• bring musical instruments for ‘special music’;
• interpret in sign language for at least one service;
• bring food for the church dinner;
• go home and wonder WHY I felt more drained on the ‘Day of Rest’ than on any other day of the week!

Eventually, I couldn’t keep up the pace. I also couldn’t apologize enough for failing to live up to others’ perfectionistic expectations when things started to slip.

Condemning sermons followed me home.

‘The problem, no doubt, is with you!’

‘If you wouldn’t prefer to burn out than to rust out, you aren’t spiritual enough!’

Praying it would work, I rose an hour earlier to read my Bible, fasted three times a week, was at church every time the doors were open, and unlocked them myself if they weren’t open….

Did it help? Nope.

But then one day Matthew 11:28 took on a new significance.

“Come unto me…”

Who is He kidding?  I don’t measure up.

“…all you who labor and are heavy laden…”

Sunday School is coming up, and so is AWANA. Then Revival Meetings… I have NO ideas for a VBS theme this summer and…

“…and I will give you rest.”

What??

 “Come unto me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

Could it be that simple? Could it be that all of this “ministry” really wasn’t about the church, the church administration, winning the lost, or even (gulp) about me, but instead, it was really supposed to be about Him? Could it be that I was struggling to be acceptable to the false god, when all I really needed to do is ‘rest’ in the True God?

Even though I still do too much, a new word is starting to describe me:

Today's powerful testimony was sent in by "Belle".

Join the revolution of radical love, brave authenticity and scandalous grace- Send in your cardboard testimony today. Let's show the world that
Jesus Redeems! 

Spiritual Triggers

It is just a normal day, I am just a normal girl but on days that I deal with triggers things are not so normal. 

The radio will come on with a favorite preacher, I'll be sitting in a church service or reading a quote on someone's Facebook wall admonishing me to surrender more, do more or show God how much I love Him and I will began to "trigger". My heart rate will increase, my stomach will begin to lurch, my palms will get sweaty and  I will begin to shake. My only desire at that moment is to run far and fast. ( Some may want to fight- fight or flight are always the two reactions when experiencing a trigger.)

It is always big reaction to a little incident and it makes no sense to someone who has never experienced it.

What is a trigger? 

Triggers can be anything that we see, hear, smell, taste, touch or feel that evoke an intense emotional response.

For a long time I never realized what I was experiencing and thought for sure I was losing it. 

You see, we all have an emotional logic of sorts, that tells us whether we are responding appropriately to any given situation.  If it is a small event, we assume and expect a small emotional reaction.  And if it is a big event, we expect to experience a large emotional reaction.

  

However, when we experience what we deem to be a small event and have a large emotional reaction, this defies our emotional logic and can be very disturbing.

 

When an emotional trigger happens, it does not make sense in the context of the situation or present circumstance.  However, emotional triggers do make sense when we add in the past.  It is in our past that we must look to uncover the meaning of the trigger in order to take away its power over us.

  The Past is the Key!

Within our past (whether recent or distant) there is an event or trauma that that is large enough to evoke such an emotional response.  The trigger is only a small representation or icon of the previous trauma or some aspect of the trauma that we experienced in our past. ( Chart and quote by Russ Webb of Tumbler Ridge Counseling Services)

What does this have to do with our journey with Christ?
Many of you who read my blog have come from spiritually abusive backgrounds or cults.
Many or most from abusive backgrounds from childhood.
As you grow in grace and step out into healthy territory you may find yourself "triggering" as you "relearn" truth in the context of your relationship with Christ. I want to give you hope that the feelings you are experiencing are not only normal but your body's way of protecting you from a real or believed threat and warning you of danger. Triggers are your body and mind saying, "In the past this type of person, this situation, these words have hurt you or traumatized you- we are going to begin the process of protection from within." This is why many people who have never dealt with past traumatic experiences deal with psychosomatic illnesses.
Your body is telling you that there is a problem!

I know this post is not poetic, it isn't meant to reach the masses but it is written for those who have sat in church on Sunday and who have literally (like I have) wanted to poke their eyes out with a ice pick when the choir begins to sing "Just As I Am". It is for those who have had religion so harshly pushed on them that they have ran far and fast away from anything to do with God. Their past has taught them to relate church, Jesus and the Bible with pain, condemnation, shame, fear and abuse.

Let me share my heart dear beloved friend- you are not alone. Isolation is the devil's tool to keep you in bondage. There is power in community. There are scores of us who are working through the grief and pain of such a background and there is hope.
Weeding through the lies and resting in His unconditional love and grace are key. Know that there is grace to be poured out for you and that there is healing that Jesus promises. He comes to bind up your wounds and shelter you under the shadow of His wings. When you trigger take a deep breath and explore in a safe place what lies are buried in your past that have caused you to react. Fill it with the truth of His love and grace. Reach out to a strong grace filled and healthy support group.

Will you share some of your triggers here and how you have dealt with them as they come? Beloved, you are safe, your voice wanted and needed here.

Jumping Tandem with Christ

 I am what most people would call a classic  People Pleaser. 

Resting is not easy.

 The negative tapes in my head harshly remind me, on days I am not walking in freedom, that I am loved for what I DO, not for who I am in Christ. It is why I have a hard time saying no and why I almost always unquestionably conform to the expectations around me. Unbeknownst to most, beneath the people pleasing mask is fear, exhaustion, feelings of  inferiority and inadequacy.

To rest in who I am in Christ and His finished work almost unfathomable to me-

 until this weekend.

My family stopped at the yearly Couch Freak Boogie , a weekend where skydivers from all over the country congregate and enjoy jumping out of planes for fun.

One of the wild opportunities at the Couch Freak Boogie was the chance for an inexperienced onlooker to jump tandem with an experienced jumper. The rule is.. rest in the knowledge and experience of your jumper and enjoy the exhilaration of a 1 minute free fall from 13,000 feet.

Sounds easy yet petrifying. To realize that you have no control while placing your life in the hands of another is a tough pill to swallow. It reminds me of the concept of Biblical Rest.  Being a people pleaser I found lists a great benefit to me, lists were safe and uncomplicated, I like tangible and calculable results.

 What results come from rest? True biblical rest means releasing control and stepping out in faith. It is resting in the finished work of Christ, not working at trying to earn the right to be in His good graces or pay back some debt I owe. It is resting in the finished work of the cross. The gospel releases me from running a never ending treadmill of people pleasing. It means that nothing I DO gets me to my destination safely but the choice to fully trust in the One who paid the paid the debt and took on the sacrifice on my behalf. 

I no longer owe a debt to God- the debt has been paid in full. It is finished. 

Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
   my hope comes from him. Psalm 62:5

Some would criticize this post and say, "Are you advocating not serving Christ or showing our love for Christ by giving ourselves to minister to the needs of others?" No.

 I am saying that our choice to do or work should be out of an overflow of love for what Christ has done for us, NOT out of feelings of guilt, condemnation or shame. We are accepted in the beloved. Period. We do not work to pay off a debt to Christ- the debt has been paid. Our hope is in Jesus Christ and Him alone. Just like a tandem jumper- your trust is in the work of the guide, not in our ability. Grace and freedom is an exhilarating experience- will you jump tandem with Christ today and fully rest in His grace?
I hope today you hear the words that Jesus is speaking into your heart- Beloved child, you are enough, come rest in me, you are safe under the shadow of my wings. I love you dear one.

Cardboard Testimony- Was Lost Now Never Forsaken

I was born  premature and stayed in the hospital for a month. 

 Adorable and healthy but an enemy of God.  I was taught by my Mom and Dad to believe in God and to believe the Bible. 

Our religion also taught that I needed to work my way to heaven through sacraments, good actions, confession to a priest and penance.

~SET FREE BY THAT SAME BELIEF IN GOD AND THE BIBLE.  

In 1972, when I was 10 years old, my older sister heard the good news of the gospel from the wife of a teacher at public school.  Marie then read me my first verse- 

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16   

Yes, at ten years old I changed my mind!

From a LIE: confessing my sins and receiving forgiveness from a priest.

to TRUTH: 

believing in God's words as it clearly told me I could have forgiveness and eternal life by believing in Jesus.

I lived a wonderful life reconciled to God, freely loving and trusting Jesus. I was completely secure forever.

Then, at 34 I was taken captive by another.

A man-made, man-worshipping cult. 

There was a long list of do's and don'ts, isolation, control, confusion, bullying and abuse. It was hard, dark, fake and lonely. It stole my identity, stole my joy, stole my husband, stole my children, and stole my family.  It stole my life!

~SET FREE BY THAT SAME BELIEF IN GOD AND THE BIBLE.

I escaped the bondage, abuse and confusion when I was 46. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to have my relationships restored with no more chaos. 

I ran from the monster. 

Once again resting in the loving, gracious arms of Jesus. Peace, joy and color came back to my life.

Through it all, I trusted and clung to my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. My Savior, Friend, Guide, Comfort and Solace. 

He would whisper in my ear, "I love you. You are mine. I will never leave you or forsake you."

The first verse I memorized as a new child of God and the one that has come to mind the most through the last 39 years~

"for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." Hebrews 13:5

ONCE AGAIN, SET FREE BY THAT SAME BELIEF IN GOD AND THE BIBLE. 

 Today's powerful testimony was sent in by Amy Whitford also known as "Never Forsaken".

Join the revolution of radical love, brave authenticity and scandalous grace-Send in your cardboard testimony today. Let's show the world that
Jesus Redeems!  

Exposed

Beautiful friends...this week has been overwhelming. I did not want to leave you without some encouragement so I am reposting a blog post I wrote back in October of 2010. I hope your heart hears the truth of how Jesus sees you- you are beautiful in all your weakness and beauty. Be blessed.

Terrifying.

 To stand before the one you love exposed.

Completely and totally.

To tear down the wall, take off the mask and rip your heart open where you are left

 vulnerable.

This is true intimacy.

Can I be honest? It is one of my greatest fears and greatest desires. To allow myself to be exposed in all my beauty and ugliness,

my need, my hunger, with all my scars and filthiness and say like a beggar,

"This is all of me and

I trust you."

And yet, I fear that You will look away in disgust, in shock and reject that part of me I have worked so hard to keep from You. I have nothing to offer You. I am truly a beggar, a beggar relying on Your grace and mercy.

It would be so easy for You to walk away, my smell a pungent odor mixed with strong perfume to mask the smell, my sores oozing with puss that are carefully hidden from your view, so what do I do?

I get angry.

I can only keep my true identity as a beggar hidden for so long. 

YOU know.

I  just can't clean up my need enough to come to You, for I know in my mind You will turn me away.

So I avert my eyes when You walk by. I am full of shame.

I struggle.

 How long will I hunger, hurt and rebel against exposing my heart to You?

If You knew who I truly am you would run, far and fast.

I refuse to read Your love letters to me.

I shun You and stubbornly refuse to speak to You.

I doubt you ever loved me in the first place.

but

one day, this poor, dirty beggar dragged herself to the feet of Jesus. Naked, blind and  dirty I begged for mercy and grace.

What happened next would shock me.

You did not turn away instead You crowned me

with love and compassion.

Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,  who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
 He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;  he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;  as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.  As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;  for he knows how we are formed,he remembers that we are dust.
Psalms 103:2-14 ( Highlights in red are mine)

I received beautiful letter from a dearly beloved reader. (Oh how I love hearing from each of you!) She asked the questions I must have asked hundreds of times in my life.

This past week has been really hard because all of a sudden I've been doubting everything about God's character. I can't even explain what all is going on because I don't even really know. I've been avoiding praying, reading the Bible, and even thinking about Him too much because I'm so tired of struggling and I just feel like quitting. On the outside, I look fine, minus a few bumps and bruises; but on the inside, I think I'm losing my faith in God's character, my will to fight, my hope, and even my sanity in this never-ending war of attrition. Seriously, does this ever end? Will I ever be able to have a healthy relationship with God? I know the right answer, but there seems to be no end of my alternate brokenness and rebellion, and no end to the struggling and hurting. Have you been here, or maybe are you here right now? Do you have any hope for a broken woman who's rebellious and just about fed up with this whole brokenness thing? All I know is I can't do this alone anymore.

I certainly didn't have a perfectly packaged answer for her heart. In fact what I told her probably went against the flow of what she may have heard before.
I didn't tell her to read her bible and pray more.
I didn't tell her that she needed to just suck it up and do the "motions" until it became alive to her.
I didn't tell her to clean herself up first and foremost.

Oh how I related to her. How many times did I yell at God. Ask Him "WHY?"
 "Where are YOU?"
 How many times have I told God, "I am through!"
How many times have I gone days and days without opening the word of God.
Purposefully.
Building walls from Him.
Thinking that the only way I could get back to where I "should be" would be to get right with Him BEFORE  I went to Him because surely He would not accept the backslidden, broken, imperfect girl I was at that moment.
Except that didn't work so well because I just shut God out.
There was no intimacy.
Intimacy is a place where we can come to the foot of the cross and bring our rebellion, our hurts, the ugliest parts of us straight to Him for we have a God who "knows how we are formed,he remembers that we are dust."
A God who can handle our anger and even our rebellion. A God that gives us free choice. A God that allows us to question, and to express our heart in all its beggarly ugliness. ( Have you ever read the Psalms?)
We are accepted not because of us but because of Him. He redeems all the ugly and crowns us with love and compassion!
To stand before a holy God exposed. This is intimacy.
This is love.
For the ugly, beautiful, naked, broken, unlovable, passionate people we TRULY are to stand before God and not have to mask or hold back our hearts with Him.
To allow His grace and love to make us whole again. What glory this brings to our Jesus for as we discover the homeless beggars we are, and the Holy gracious Father He is.
We can run into His arms forgiven,
crowned,
redeemed and
loved- just.as.we.are.